It is so hard to forgive. After being assailed by a colleague, humiliated by a loved one, betrayed by a friend, harmed physically or emotionally, or both… the list is infinite – the resulting damage is often traumatic. We’re a mess. Our self-confidence teeters on the edge. We can’t trust anyone, including ourselves, for a long time, or at least what feels like a long time. The process of healing takes years, and sometimes, a lifetime. There are wounds to bind.
After time has gone by, and the hurt has subsided, we sometimes replace the pain caused by another with resentment. We gather our emotional strength and proceed to use it as a force to ward off the offender. Every mention of their name, every picture, anything at all associated with them gets us going. We resent the offender, yet we continue to think about them way too much. We plot fantasies of revenge, insult their reputation, and tell stories of their perfidy to anyone who will listen (and sometimes we tell the story over and over again to people who don’t want to hear it again…).
When we’ve been hurt or slighted, we get thrown off our game. But over time, as we eschew the possibility of forgiveness in favor of anger and blame, we become stunted. Our hearts whither. We become less accessible to others until we are nothing but resentment. We see the world through a distorted lens as we become a caricature: the quintessential victim.We don’t have to live in the pain of the past. We can emerge from that place, even if it feels terrifying to let go of something that has become our raison d’etre.
When we forgive someone, we lose nothing. Instead, we gain a new, open heart. We can love and be loved in a fuller, more productive way. We don’t have deny that we were wronged. We don’t have to pretend we were injured. We don’t have to forget. But we do have to try to forgive in order to live our lives to the fullest extent possible.I know that some things are unforgivable, and no one else can make that call. But finding the strength to forgive is finding freedom for the soul. It’s finding precious air to breathe. It’s admitting just how big the human heart can grow.
Yom Kippur can be a hard day, and I’m not talking about the fasting. It’s about starting again. It’s about the spaciousness of the soul and the healing of old wounds. It’s about forgiveness.